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I speak a lot about the Emotional Divorce, which precedes the Legal Divorce. The Emotional Divorce has to be settled before we file and make legally binding decisions. The Emotional Divorce is the emotional uncoupling process of grieving the loss of the relationship. If people don’t go through this grieving process first, they will go through it throughout or after the divorce. If the loss of the marriage is grieved while the filing is underway, people spend more money, more time, and can become physically and mentally compromised unnecessarily.

Trust is huge in both the Emotional and Legal Divorce, as it is in the marriage. If trust has been an issue in the marriage, it will absolutely be part of the divorce filing. In the case of marriages deficient in trust, attorneys are typically involved in filing, and can help facilitate a thorough disclosure of assets and debts in a way that will address the distrust one spouse has in the other.

But even in a marriage where trust was not questioned, and an open communication relationship existed, once the decision to divorce is made, people look at each other differently. Invisible trust walls are formed as a protection against this unknown process of divorce, and in protection against this now uncategorized person with whom they are technically, legally married but not emotionally tethered to. The relationship is in the in-between undefined stage; there is no box to put people in that has emotional expectations once the decision to divorce takes place. This is when a relationship built on trust naturally moves to a questionable position of continuing that trust when divorce is decided and the filing begins.

People don’t change just because a divorce is chosen. People behave in the same way they’ve always behaved. It’s just that with a divorce, spouses look at each other emotionally differently. Spouses actually appear to be different because there is no future goal to which they are both working as a team. Spouses become like strangers to one another, and this causes uncertainty in how they trust.

If people give themselves time to grieve, to process the end of the relationship, to grapple with what the future may look like, and possibly apologize and/or forgive one another, the issue of trust becomes less of an issue. If both spouses go through the Emotional Divorce first, the legal divorce will be a breeze, and trust becomes less of a concern.

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