50% of first marriages, 60% of second marriages, and 70% of third marriages end in divorce.
Now why is this? Several reasons, but the two that come up repeatedly are marrying the wrong (same) person again and again; and being the wrong married person. There are other reasons like not being able to handle life challenges like have a special needs child, dealing with financial loss, and financial issues. But marrying the same wrong person repeatedly is top of the list.
Wish there was a rule book for how to choose the right person. There are dating books to help in that phase of the relationship. Even with books that explain how to see through people’s behavior when dating, people tend to want to ignore the warning signs and tie that knot anyway. I recommend a book by co-authors Bill Eddy and Megan Hunter called Dating Radar, Why Your Brain says YES to “The One” Who Will Make Your Life HELL. They detail how to access people eat the beginning of a relationship, and how to listen to your gut.
And then there’s Maya Angelou’s quote, “When people tell you who they are, believe them.” yet we don’t. We try to outthink our brains and use our emotions to redirect our inner guidance.
People continue to divorce more and faster as they embark on multiple marriages because they at least get better at quickly detecting their wrong decisions to marry. People engage in multiple wrong marriages if they don’t ascertain why they married the wrong person, or what they could do to be better as a married person.
Our guest on this week’s podcast, Lisa David Olson, although in her third marriage defied the odds of being at odds with her two previous husbands. With a good deal of emotional intelligence, Lisa didn’t blame her first two husbands of 10 years each. Her mission and goal was to divorce amicably. With that in mind, she did three thing:
a. co-parented well with her first husband
b. declined to continue to receive child support from her first husband when she married her second husband because she could afford not to receive child support, and her first husband was struggling in his business
c. behaved with intention not to blame her husbands for the reasons to divorce
Even if only one spouse makes it a priority to be civil to the other spouse, and behave in a respectful way, that one spouse can have a very positive affect on the tone of the divorce, and the aftermath of it, too. It has to. It takes two people to argue, but only one to be an asshole. And who knows, if one spouse stands their amicable ground, never wavering, always calm and focused, that may be enough for the other spouse to change.
Avoiding multiple divorces means marrying a different type of person than the previous spouse. That can only be done with honest soul-searching about the signs that weren’t abided while dating, and with innate understanding of yourself, your needs, your priorities, your goals. And lastly, communication with each other about wants, needs, and goals.
Relationships are serious commitments and take an enormous amount of work. They are not for the faint of heart. They take what is hard for most people, open and honest communication. Otherwise, your married life will be spent on the Crazy Coaster, and you’ll have no idea how to make it stop.
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Biography of Lisa David Olson
Lisa David Olson is a character. Olson is a self-proclaimed (Practically) World Famous Business Humorist, Multi TEDx speaker, Author, Interactive Speaker, Speaker Trainer, Podcast Host of Stranger Connections, Writer, Innovator, and Prank-Enthusiast.
Lisa has been married three times, with two of the most amicable divorces on record. She is a mother of two boys, and tep-mom for three other boys from her current #3 husband. Lisa’s relationship philosophies and application of same, provide a guiding light for those embarking on the divorce journey.
Stranger Connections podcast