In my 12 years of family law mediation, I have found the rhythm to most mediations IF the spouses have not forgiven each other for the reason(s) for the divorce, is this:
1st Mediation is the false narrative people tell themselves and want to tell the mediator in order to get what they want in the settlement;
2nd Mediation is less false narrative and a little fact correcting to adjust the story that they told in the first mediation;
3rd Mediation more of the real story is told, which enables the mediator to start doing their jobs of helping people get to the compromise that works for them.
The truth doesn’t come easily in divorce mediation because people operate out of fear. People think that if they lie to themselves, their spouse, and the mediator that they will somehow get what they want out of the negotiation. But it doesn’t work. The foundation of their story doesn’t typically make sense, and the mediator will have a very difficult time trying to make sense out of what they’re hearing. With a lot of questions asked for clarification, the mediator will effect a change in the stories naturally. The truth will eventually come out.
Truth doesn’t come easily because people are at times ashamed of their decisions to have married their spouse, or in avoidance of their part in the unraveling of the marriage, or are afraid to share why the marriage is ending. Spouses will still cover up for each other’s ill behavior, still protect each other, in order to keep the divorce process as smooth as possible. Divorce is fraught with dishonesty to mask fear, hurt, and possibly the knowledge that people have knowingly chosen to marry the wrong person.
Divorce can be the event that forces people to self-correct and turn fear into the most truthful and honest conversation they’ve ever had. It has happened – in my mediations. I have had people skirt around, talk around, and offer weird settlement terms that make no sense, because they have a difficult time sharing their feelings about something that deeply hurt them. When I am lucky enough to have mediation clients who eventually share their authentic feelings, it is amazing to watch how the energy in the room changes and with that shift in energy comes a completely different dialogue based on truth. Truth will have finally arrived.
Once people have the courage to speak honestly, with the commitment to be authentically truthful, their lives are fueled by positive energy and they align with the universe in such a way that everything right for them comes to them.
#truth #honesty #authenticity #communication #truthfulness # divorce #marriage #fear #trust #hurt #emotionalhealth #mentalhealth #physicalhealth #spiritualhealth #dishonesty #mediation